Madness
by Sasassy
Summary: It happened so fast, it was a blink and you'll miss it moment and somehow Uta wasn't sure if he'd actually really done it. In reality and not just his mind.


Written for TG Rare Pair Week Day Three "First Kiss" on Tumblr.

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It happened so fast, it was a blink and you'll miss it moment and somehow Uta wasn't sure if he'd actually really done it. In reality and not just his mind.

##

He'd found Renji up high on a roof again, sulking or thinking or whatever he usually did up there and he'd joined him after considering his options. He was about to patrol some of the more unstable parts of his Ward but he wasn't in the mood for breaking up fights or even fighting himself. So he scaled the building and made Renji jump when he landed right next to him and sat down.

Renji wasn't a big talker and Uta didn't feel like running a conversation all by himself either, so they sat in silence next to each other and watched the birds flying by.

They had been doing this a lot in the last few weeks, since Uta had first met Renji apart from street fights and they'd talked for the first time like civil ghouls. Uta would ask questions or tell stories and Renji would grumble and mumble some answers. And sometimes he would even openly talk, like he did that first time.

To Uta's surprise Renji did talk that day, without being prompted.

"I like high places because-" he interrupted himself to take a deep breath and Uta knew that whatever he'd share right now had never been shared with anyone else before.

"I feel removed up here. From my shitty life. From our shitty existence. I can pretend to be normal."

Uta scowled.

"But you are normal, Raven," he said, confused.

"You know what I mean," was the mumbled answer. He sounded defensive.

"You're talking about humans, I get that. I just don't agree," Uta said sharply. He didn't like this attitude of ghouls were monster and should strive to be more like humans. He hated that ghouls were drilled to despise themselves for their nature, something they couldn't help or change even if they tried to.

"You haven't lost all the family you ever knew just because you're a ghoul," Renji spat bitterly and recoiled into himself, farther away from the blond.

"I haven't told you about my past yet," he answered and worried his lip piercing with his tongue. The truth was he didn't know what had happened to his family, he had just never had any and that was it.

Renji looked off into the distance again, face expressionless once again but Uta could see him chewing his cheek the way he always did when he was thinking about something hard.

"Listen, there's nothing wrong with being a ghoul," he said and he didn't even know why he still continued talking about it when the other man was obviously done with the topic. He just couldn't let it rest.

"How can you say that?" Renji asked, incredulous. "We literally kill innocent people so we can survive! What's right about this?"

Uta sighed. Of course, he had a point. They did need to eat human meat to survive but there were other options than hunting. Most ghouls who hunted just liked the thrill of it.

"Your niece and nephew don't kill people yet they still eat human flesh. Is their existence inherently wrong too?"

Renji moved faster than Uta could follow and his hands gripped the blond's collar, choking him and he shook his smaller frame in anger.

"How dare you say that about my family!" he screamed and his eyes flashed black and red.

"You know why I said it, Ren," he replied and held the other's gaze stubbornly.

Renji's face dropped as he realised what had happened and he looked so defeated, so done with it all. Uta couldn't help himself, he wanted to distract him so he just leaned over on a whim, noting Renji's widening eyes, and planted a chaste kiss on his full lips, still parted and revealing gritted teeth. His whole body went rigid and his hands dropped, freeing Uta and he pulled back, suddenly filled with biting doubts as he saw Renji's enraged face.

"Ah, well. It was worth a try," he mused, trying to sound calm but his voice betrayed his inner upset as his usual soft lilt was replaced by a breathy hitch.

"What the hell was that?" Renji asked, breathless and obviously even angrier.

Uta tried to laugh it off as a joke, or as a means to an end to calm him down from his rage, but the truth was he'd wanted to do that for quite some time now and he'd finally had enough of holding back.

"Just trying to calm you down, Raven," he shrugged and levelled his voice. "But it didn't work. You still look like you're going to kill- what are you doing?"

Renji had stepped into his personal space again, coming face to face with him and Uta could see the tense muscles in the other's face, the bulging vein on his temple that only emerged when he was about to really succumb to his anger and his kakugan was fully activated now.

"Do that again," he choked out and Uta frowned. Shouldn't a threat include a 'and I will kill you' or anything of the likes? It almost sounded as if – _oh_!

He brought his hands up to Renji's face and cupped his cheeks gently and leaned in again, touching his lips to Renji's softly. But the taller man had different plans as he tugged Uta flush into him harshly and plunged his tongue into Uta's gasping mouth. Uta threw his intentions of going slow for the sake of first times to the wind and let Renji set the pace.

They were clumsy in their inexperience. Uta hadn't kissed much, his youth was spend fighting, not pursuing romantic interests and he doubted that Renji would indulge himself like that either. But it was pleasant enough, more than that even. The way their lips fit together and their tongues wrapped around each other made Uta weak in the knees and he wanted to melt into Renji's firm chest. The way Renji's fingers dug into his back as if he wanted to just soak him up made his heart flutter in a manner he hadn't experienced before.

It ended too quickly as Renji sucked his lower lip into his mouth and gently bit the ring pierced through the flesh there, before releasing him almost dejectedly.

Uta couldn't let go yet, he still had his fingers buried in silver hair and he let his forehead rest against Renji's glistening pink lips, parted in his slight panting. He could feel his lips moving against his forehead but no words came out. Then, all of a sudden, Renji backed away and brought distance between them. He looked horrified at what they'd done, the red and black disappearing to reveal panicked olive. Before Uta could say anything to appease him or even apologise to him, Renji leapt away to the top of the adjoining building.

Uta could have sworn he heard Renji mumbling something about forgetting this stupid crush to himself.

##

He'd never been in love, or whatever other people usually called it, so Uta had been confused with what exactly he wanted from the other ghoul but slowly, over weeks of chance meetings and talking and getting to know each other and now this kiss – he realised friendship wasn't what he was after, after all. He craved something else. And maybe Renji did too.


End file.
